Today

Today was...

Hard.

I tried to wake up like it was any other day. Just another Tuesday morning. My room looks like a mall threw up in it. My cat is way too talkative. My body is rejecting me as school lures closer. Just a normal Tuesday.

But not...

I was riding in the car with my mom laughing about something that probably was really funny but I can't remember what it was, when my phone vibrated. Among smiles and chuckles I check it...

Jazzy:

"Good morning my love. Have a good day with a big hug"

The fact my brother got promoted at his job was a whisper compared to the rushing of a river in my mind that I had damned up last night. I tried to cover it up but my system knows better. I try to paste smiles among screams but it doesn't work...

It was around third period...

My body was really still like a settled lake... Just floating there. I wasn't tired but I was not filled with energy either. I was also board off my butt. It hit me then as I walked out of class that I made a mistake...

I recalled laying in my bed last night remembering that day. The day she fell off. Fell off reality into a deep dark place, I followed her there but was swiftly spat out. I couldn't go where she was, I couldn't reach her way out there.

Every detail was clear in my head from beginning to end. From the first introduction to

Kim

Katlyn

And Nikki

to the last goodbye to Jazzy.

Such an interesting phenomenon but such a sad one too. Something I forget and neglect is how hard that time was for me. I just program into the clock work and drill into memory so deep that it becomes numb to me. Just another tick to match another tock. I forget that it happened, that she had a psychotic break, that she did go to the hospital, that she did start seeing spirits, that she was my best friend... I miss her.

Today was...

Hard.

But tomorrow won't be... I am allowed memories, not obsessive flash backs. So I will sleep soundly tonight...

And pray...

Because that is all I can do...