Today was...
Hard.
I tried to wake up like it was any other day. Just another Tuesday morning. My room looks like a mall threw up in it. My cat is way too talkative. My body is rejecting me as school lures closer. Just a normal Tuesday.
But not...
I was riding in the car with my mom laughing about something that probably was really funny but I can't remember what it was, when my phone vibrated. Among smiles and chuckles I check it...
Jazzy:
"Good morning my love. Have a good day with a big hug"
The fact my brother got promoted at his job was a whisper compared to the rushing of a river in my mind that I had damned up last night. I tried to cover it up but my system knows better. I try to paste smiles among screams but it doesn't work...
It was around third period...
My body was really still like a settled lake... Just floating there. I wasn't tired but I was not filled with energy either. I was also board off my butt. It hit me then as I walked out of class that I made a mistake...
I recalled laying in my bed last night remembering that day. The day she fell off. Fell off reality into a deep dark place, I followed her there but was swiftly spat out. I couldn't go where she was, I couldn't reach her way out there.
Every detail was clear in my head from beginning to end. From the first introduction to
Kim
Katlyn
And Nikki
to the last goodbye to Jazzy.
Such an interesting phenomenon but such a sad one too. Something I forget and neglect is how hard that time was for me. I just program into the clock work and drill into memory so deep that it becomes numb to me. Just another tick to match another tock. I forget that it happened, that she had a psychotic break, that she did go to the hospital, that she did start seeing spirits, that she was my best friend... I miss her.
Today was...
Hard.
But tomorrow won't be... I am allowed memories, not obsessive flash backs. So I will sleep soundly tonight...
And pray...
Because that is all I can do...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
The Spirit of Theatre
The Spirit of theater has nothing to do with show time, rehearsals, roles, or even what play. It's a state of mind that I believe theater has had since the beginning of time. I never experienced it or even knew it existed until I was in a play myself. It was the opening night for RENT...
Nervous was an understatement for what I was. I didn't even have a big part, I was a homeless person and a soloist here and there, but this was my first play ever and I had no idea what to expect. The dressing room had a blanket of silence forced over it as the choreographer's assistant was telling us to "Shut up and focus!". All you could hear was the clicking of heels from one side of the room to the next and the scrambling of people outside, only making me more anxious as the clock ticked until the house was open. My heart was having a tantrum in my chest. This had been a long journey of blood, sweat, and tears and sometimes all three at one rehearsal. Tensions were high and it was thirty minutes before the show and we had not become the happy family I saw in our rehearsal room posted on the wall. The endless photos of smiles and successful productions dating back more than five years ago hung, framed in the back room; newspaper articles and group photos of friends not just acquaintances in a play. Those must have been the good old days because tonight did not feel like anything compared to those pictures. Who seemed to be my only friend in this cast helped me with makeup as time seemed to stand still and fly by simultaneously. I preordained this play as a disaster. I didn't feel apart of a an expressive unit of creativity and art, but more like a donkey pulling a play that weighs tons... Actually I was a donkey getting dragged by a play, my head sweeping up nonsense in the dirt road as they moved forward at paces and by means I didn't understand.
Fifteen minutes...
Ten Minutes...
I was ready and pointlessly wondering around the dressing room until the play started. It was then I saw a body come up and hug me,
"I love you. Break a leg girl." It must have been an awkward hug for her because I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. An ocean of hugs rippled to me and to everyone else. The blanket of silence was lifted slightly as whispers of, "break a leg" and "you're going to do great" reverberated off of the seemingly steel walls. The walls melted, the lights that illuminated the face of the actresses dimmed, and smiles became apparent.
"Actors, places" was yelled from the hallway and we all filed out of the dressing room to meet the boys as they were coming out of their dressing room. Hugs continued with kisses and smiles. I was in the twilight zone, I was pretty sure we were all going to say nothing to each other as to keep the focus but unknown to me the focus had changed. I was bombarded with hugs as I made my way off stage. I was making my way to the left side of the stage when I crossed the path of the leading actress and thought I would smile just for kicks, I was sure she hated my guts. She opened her arms as wide as the stage it seemed and held me tight,
"Break a leg!" I said the same as we crossed paths. I was speechless. I was going be even more speechless when I found out she got everyone in the cast a small gift as was the custom on Broadway. I got to my side of the stage and sat on the table battling my nervousness in a small cage within my core. Not the best place to fight your emotions. A group of actors were coming out and I tried the smile again. One of them returned it whispering,
"I'm so nervous! We should start a beating circle!" I regurgitated my nervousness too as she took my hand calling over some more actors. A circle began to form and we transferred beats. Each person would squeeze the hand of the other and it would go around the circle harnessing our nervous energy.
Then the lights began to fade... Followed by the screaming and clapping of the audience. I got a tsunami of more hugs and smiles from people I have barely talked to throughout the whole process. I turned to go farther back as not to be seen by the audience when I ran into the broad chest of the leading actor. I didn't mind that but I was even more taken back when he took me into his arms and whispered,
"Break a leg" before going into the spotlight to start the play off. I was overcome with an emotion that I have seen before, in the pictures framed on the rehearsal walls. The connection, though long overdue, flooded my heart as it slowly slept. The music began and I took my cue to start the opening song, "RENT" with the rest of the cast...
I have one more weekend left, and I'm embarrassed to say it but, I'm dreading the last show. The last time I will be able to be a part of this unit, this family, as we create and retell the story. But I have learned a couple of things though:
1)Get ahead in school work before Hell Week
2)There is no such thing as a "theater person"
3)Stage Left and Stage Right are from your point of view when you're looking at the audience
And I have experienced one great thing,
The Spirit of Theater...
Nervous was an understatement for what I was. I didn't even have a big part, I was a homeless person and a soloist here and there, but this was my first play ever and I had no idea what to expect. The dressing room had a blanket of silence forced over it as the choreographer's assistant was telling us to "Shut up and focus!". All you could hear was the clicking of heels from one side of the room to the next and the scrambling of people outside, only making me more anxious as the clock ticked until the house was open. My heart was having a tantrum in my chest. This had been a long journey of blood, sweat, and tears and sometimes all three at one rehearsal. Tensions were high and it was thirty minutes before the show and we had not become the happy family I saw in our rehearsal room posted on the wall. The endless photos of smiles and successful productions dating back more than five years ago hung, framed in the back room; newspaper articles and group photos of friends not just acquaintances in a play. Those must have been the good old days because tonight did not feel like anything compared to those pictures. Who seemed to be my only friend in this cast helped me with makeup as time seemed to stand still and fly by simultaneously. I preordained this play as a disaster. I didn't feel apart of a an expressive unit of creativity and art, but more like a donkey pulling a play that weighs tons... Actually I was a donkey getting dragged by a play, my head sweeping up nonsense in the dirt road as they moved forward at paces and by means I didn't understand.
Fifteen minutes...
Ten Minutes...
I was ready and pointlessly wondering around the dressing room until the play started. It was then I saw a body come up and hug me,
"I love you. Break a leg girl." It must have been an awkward hug for her because I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. An ocean of hugs rippled to me and to everyone else. The blanket of silence was lifted slightly as whispers of, "break a leg" and "you're going to do great" reverberated off of the seemingly steel walls. The walls melted, the lights that illuminated the face of the actresses dimmed, and smiles became apparent.
"Actors, places" was yelled from the hallway and we all filed out of the dressing room to meet the boys as they were coming out of their dressing room. Hugs continued with kisses and smiles. I was in the twilight zone, I was pretty sure we were all going to say nothing to each other as to keep the focus but unknown to me the focus had changed. I was bombarded with hugs as I made my way off stage. I was making my way to the left side of the stage when I crossed the path of the leading actress and thought I would smile just for kicks, I was sure she hated my guts. She opened her arms as wide as the stage it seemed and held me tight,
"Break a leg!" I said the same as we crossed paths. I was speechless. I was going be even more speechless when I found out she got everyone in the cast a small gift as was the custom on Broadway. I got to my side of the stage and sat on the table battling my nervousness in a small cage within my core. Not the best place to fight your emotions. A group of actors were coming out and I tried the smile again. One of them returned it whispering,
"I'm so nervous! We should start a beating circle!" I regurgitated my nervousness too as she took my hand calling over some more actors. A circle began to form and we transferred beats. Each person would squeeze the hand of the other and it would go around the circle harnessing our nervous energy.
Then the lights began to fade... Followed by the screaming and clapping of the audience. I got a tsunami of more hugs and smiles from people I have barely talked to throughout the whole process. I turned to go farther back as not to be seen by the audience when I ran into the broad chest of the leading actor. I didn't mind that but I was even more taken back when he took me into his arms and whispered,
"Break a leg" before going into the spotlight to start the play off. I was overcome with an emotion that I have seen before, in the pictures framed on the rehearsal walls. The connection, though long overdue, flooded my heart as it slowly slept. The music began and I took my cue to start the opening song, "RENT" with the rest of the cast...
I have one more weekend left, and I'm embarrassed to say it but, I'm dreading the last show. The last time I will be able to be a part of this unit, this family, as we create and retell the story. But I have learned a couple of things though:
1)Get ahead in school work before Hell Week
2)There is no such thing as a "theater person"
3)Stage Left and Stage Right are from your point of view when you're looking at the audience
And I have experienced one great thing,
The Spirit of Theater...
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